What is marriage, though? It has so many
interconnected ideas, so much history – indeed, so much divergent
history – and so much individual interpretation, that it is hard to
form a coherent and consistent idea of marriage.
It has struck me, however, that there are three
basic elements or dimensions to marriage. In fact, while these three
do relate to one another and impact one another, they may also each
stand entirely on their own. As such, we might consider them
independent sorts of marriage, though in many marriages all three
will be present.
(I should say at this point that many may consider
a fourth element of marriage, the physical. While this is a vitally
important element to many marriages, and a very important part of
life for many people, I do not consider it a fundamental component of
marriage. I am aware that canon law and/or doctrine of many Christian
churches would disagree with me on that, at least as a one-off – as
is the law of England and Wales if you wish a marriage to be
recognised by the state, provided you are an opposite-sex couple.)
The first of these marriages can be the most
practically important, and the one which the state has power of –
legal marriage. This is that
element of marriage which is recognised by the state, with possible
implications for inheritance, taxation, property, adoption, and
child-rearing, depending on what country you are in (and likely other
impacts, either more rarely or less often of great importance). Legal
marriage is important when it comes to the law, including dealing
with governments other than our own – it often has an impact on
immigration. It's also important to individuals because, if any
relationships are to be recognised by the state, many people want
theirs to be one of them. No-one wants to be excluded from such an
institution by anything other than their own preference or
conscience.
The second might
be seen as the most important in a religious context such as this –
religious marriage.
This is the element of marriage recognised or sanctioned by a faith
community, or otherwise conducted in accordance with the traditions
or principles of the participants' faith(s). Those most sceptical
about religion may consider it a purely social aspect, that one is
simply satisfying the social expectation of a particular religious
group – and religion may be seen as a social phenomenon. To me, it
is more than that, though I struggle to say how. It is the
recognition of a spiritual dimension of marriage, whether you see
that as a solemn commitment before God, the joining of souls, or many
other ways of putting it. Perhaps this can even exist without formal
recognition.
The third,
however, is the one that is the most visible and important in one's
day to day life – social marriage.
This is social in the sense that is to do with how people interact,
both within the marriage and between the parties and others; it is
also social in the sense that it has to do with the expectations and
norms of society. However, this should not be confused with the sense
the phrase “social marriage” is used in some other contexts; it
has some meaning that I have not entirely been able to understand in
India, and in the western English-speaking world it appears to mean a
marriage that has become non-physical. This is about living life
together, sharing the joys and sorrows, sharing tasks and supporting
one another through life.
A legal marriage may
exist without the others where all that is sought is the legal
distinction, though even a marriage of convenience may have some
external elements of the social marriage, and may be conducted in
religious fashion in order to bolster its status and recognition. A
religious marriage might exist without the others in the case of
faiths that do not recognise civil divorce, where the marriage may
continue to subsist sacramentally even where it does not exist in law
and the couple are separated. Social marriage exists quite frequently
without the other elements, as long-term cohabitation becomes more
common in the global economic north. All sorts of combinations exist,
and even where a marriage has all three components, the balance of
those components varies.
Marriage is complex. I
cannot say, and would closely examine any leading that seemed to
suggest I should say, what a marriage “should” look like. But all
these three elements are important to marriage as a concept.
Written December 2018
