On Sex, and Love, and Being ‘Casual’

In the liberal wing of the Religious Society of Friends, we’re pretty liberal about sex (liberal meaning slightly different things in those two cases, so not automatically following one from the other). We aren’t down on premarital sex, we’re fine with same-sex relationships and sex, and I even perceive a growing acceptance of, if not always support for, various forms of ethical non-monogamy (polyamory and suchlike). While we might not be overly judgemental of casual sex, though, I generally sense a certain disapproval, a lack of acceptance of it. I think that is driven by the right motives, there are good reasons that flow from Love for that attitude, but still I think the conclusion is slightly wrong.

Quakers and Equal Civil Partnership

In a legal development in which British Quakers were vocally involved, equal marriage has been achieved in Great Britain – with separate laws in Scotland and in England & Wales, of course. Since 2014, it has been possible for two people to marry regardless of gender. Northern Ireland, for complex cultural and political reasons, has yet to follow suit, although they recognise same-sex marriages as civil partnerships, and civil partnerships can be entered into in that part of the United Kingdom.

As well as the campaign on the long road to equal marriage, along which the introduction of civil partnerships is generally considered a stop, there have also been those arguing for opposite-sex civil partnerships. I have known Friends who have been involved in this action, including those who stated their wish to form a civil partnership rather than a marriage, despite not being a same-sex couple. That campaign has now, thanks in large part to a supreme court judgement (the Steinfeld-Keidan judgement), led to a change in law in England and Wales and opposite-sex civil partnerships are expected to be available before the end of the year.

Aphorism 17

Maxim 15

True Religion

True religion raises up,
      It does not cast down.

True faith frees the mind,
      It does not constrain.

True divinity heals,
      It does not rend apart.

True friendship fosters growth,
      It does not hem you in.

True love enables life,
      It does not enjoin unlooked-for change.

True forgiveness looks forward,
      It does not look to settle scores.

True knowledge illuminates ignorance,
      It does not give certainty.

True insight shows your inner self,
      It is not limited to the outer world.

Hold fast to the true, and be wise to the false.
Love your friends, and uphold life.
Forgive as you can, but not falsely.
Be free in your mind, and rejoice in the freedom of others.
Illuminate as you would be illuminated,
And share all, giving and receiving.

Written February 2019

On Sexuality

People get hung up a lot on sexuality. What does it mean? Is it an abstract element of our being, or does it describe what we are attracted to, what interests us sexually? The word is used for both. When someone says that people should celebrate or nurture their sexuality, they don't always mean their sexual orientation – and some people object to the word orientation there, for a range of reasons.

For now, I am using the word sexuality to mean all of that, and perhaps more. It is that part of us that desires that sort of physical intimacy. It is about the sort of intimacy we desire. It is what we like to do, and the sort of person we like to do it with. It is even involved in things we do entirely on our own. It is what we do, it is what we want, it is what we dream of.

Maxim 9

Divine Love

Love is so much more than the romantic sort. We have known this for a long time, but we tend to forget it. We have the love of family, of course, and that is well understood, but love without context generally refers to romantic love, or euphemistically to sex, as in physical “acts of love”. We have love songs, and love stories, and (more's the pity) Love Island.

Love is more than wanting to be with someone, more than caring deeply for some specific individuals. It is more than selfless devotion to a lover or a child. There is love in fast friendship, love in care for anyone. There is love throughout life, if we allow there to be.

Today I Wed

Today, I wed.

My marriage will not bring love,
It is brought by it.

My love does not change the world,
It changes me.

It does not cure my ills,
But it enables my living with them.

Love is the font and source of life.
It is the power the underlies all powers.
It is the strength that falters last.
When dedication and principle and reason fail,
Love remains.

Valentines

Whether you believe it began with Lupercalia,
Or with the romanticism of a Christian martyr,
It is the time, or so they say,
For gestures and declarations
of love.

As if there were ever anything to stop or restrain,
Anything to inhibit, anything to slow or stall,
Such feelings or such expression –
That can be removed or lessened
By a day.

The reservation of a day for romance and for love
Does not liberate or empower – it inhibits us!
Let love flow now, then, and always.
Commercial concerns have no place
Scheduling love.

Written February 2018

Vulnerability, Power, Love

I wasn't at Yearly Meeting in 2015, nor the Swarthmore Lecture given at it. I have read the minutes, however, and minute 36 gave me some trouble. I understand it was somewhat derived from the Swarthmore Lecture, Faith, Power and Peace, but I shan't judge the lecture on that; I am sure it had more nuance.

What I struggled with was the idea of power linked to vulnerability. As a disabled person, and knowing many other disabled people, including all forms of disability – chronic illness, mental illness, everything – I have trouble with that. Vulnerability can lead to power, certainly, but the minutes seemed to suggest that it was a more reliable consequence than is found in my experience, first- and second-hand. Vulnerability is often characterised by profound powerlessness.

Yet I see now one situation in which the link of power and vulnerability is utterly true, and inescapable. It is not in our interactions with the world at large, it is not in our ability to make the world a better place in general. It is not economic or political. It is personal.

Safe Spaces

You hear a lot these days about “safe spaces”, be it from those who are advocating them or those who decry them as an assault on free speech. We hear about “no platforming”, and just recently the UK's Universities minister has warned that Universities could face a fine over such policies, as they should be seen to have a duty to uphold freedom of speech.

This is a really complicated issue, with intertwining concerns and subtle variations of meaning in terms like “safe space”, “no platform”, and “free speech”. It's also a concern for Quakers, as there have been, from various quarters at various times, suggestions that some Quaker spaces should be safe. So, let's take a look at some of the meanings given to these terms, which will also give an overview of the overall politics of the situation, and see what they mean for Quakers, both in our own spaces and in terms of our approach to wider society. Buckle in, it's a long ride.

A Christmas Prayer

My mind is drawn, today, to those who face particular difficulties at this time of year.

I think of those who are impoverished, struggling to meet the cultural expectations of how one is supposed to “do Christmas”.

I think of those who are bereaved, and going through Christmas without a loved one.

I think of those of fragile mental health, or who are physically limited, coping with the social expectations that go with this season.

I hold all these people in the Light, and hope that they may know comfort from the Spirit, however they understand it.

Written December 2017

On Marriage

Marriage is not a joining of souls,
For all souls are already connected.

Marriage is not a set of promises,
For lovers always make promises, and marriage is more.

Marriage is not a contract,
An agreement between parties for mutual gain.

Marriage is not a tool,
Not a way to fix or improve something ailing.

Marriage does not occur in truth out of choice.

It happens naturally, or not at all.

The outward forms are empty,
If pursued without the inward reality.

True marriage is the joining of lives in the care of the Spirit;

Where recognised, it is right to mark and celebrate,
It is a source of joy.

True marriage needs no validation of church or state to flourish,

But those married and those around them are strengthened
By recognition of that condition.

Even those whose minds know not the Presence of the Spirit,

Can recognise the wealth and love and beauty,
Of true marriage in the Spirit.

Written November 2017

Judging Acts of Love

The “physical act of love”, howsoever it manifests and between whoever engages in it, should be judged on only 4 things:

• Does it flow from open honesty and common interest?
• Is it freely chosen by those involved, and mutually consented to, with all capable of true consent?
• Does it improve the well-being of all involved, providing a positive experience – or at least an honest attempt at one?
• Does it promote love?

Love Is Not A Finite Thing

Love is not a finite thing, that is spent and exhausted.
Love flows from the Spirit, and is inexhaustible;
As you live your life in the Spirit, and let its presence grow in your heart,
So too will love flow stronger and brighter in your life.

Think you that giving love here will leave you less to give elsewhere?
Think you that you can run out of love?
You have limited time, you have limited energy,
Your love is not limited.

Love is not like water, poured away and spent or imbibed and expended.
Love is like warmth, and where it is given each to the other,
It is like sharing warmth on a cold night,
Neither becoming cold to make the other warm, but warmth increased for both.

Do not be parsimonious with love, for given well it is never spent.
Yet do not give it unwisely, for if it is not returned, you can be spent.
Whether the love is given to a lover, or in good works in the world,
Given wisely it is returned, and given recklessly it is exploited.

For while you cannot run out of love, you have other resources.
And when you give love, you may expend these.
Do not exclude yourself from your love, or from your care.
In your eagerness to give love, do not overextend yourself.

Do not be jealous of love given.
If you trust your lover's judgement and loyalty,
If you communicate and trust and support,
The gain of others need be no loss to you.

Love is not a zero-sum game.

Written September 2017

The Wise Child

There was once a village. The village sat on a road, and there was much traffic through the village as people travelled along that road. This brought wealth, as travellers stayed at the inn, and sometimes a traveller would decide to stay in the village longer, setting up a home and establishing a livelihood. Most of the villagers came from families who had lived in the village for generations, or who had married in from nearby villages.

In one of these families, there was a child. The family, and the child, were walking through the village one summer's day, greeting other families as they passed them in the street or walked past their houses. They passed the house of the local minister, and exchanged pleasantries as they were working on their garden. They passed the cottage of the teacher in the village school as they were hanging laundry, and complimented them on their work. They passed an elderly couple who were taking a similar walk, and respectfully exchanged greeting. They stopped at a village shop, and bought bread and cheese and fruit for lunch, and stone bottles of various drinks, and packed them in a basket they had brought, with a brightly coloured cloth they used for picnics; and the parents bought their child a wooden toy, and they exchanged news and gossip with the shopkeeper.

Then they passed a dyer's house, with great tubs in the yard, and the family stirring the cloth to be dyed, and they said nothing. The child asked, “why do we not greet them, as we go about our business and they go about theirs, and compliment them on the vivid colours and patterns they make on cloth?” The father replied, “that family came here from far away, and they are not like us; they do not worship as we do, and we cannot trust them.”

The child thought for a moment, and took out the cloth from the picnic basket. “Did they not dye this cloth, that we bought and use on days such as these? Do they not drink the same water we do, and also use it in their work?” The parents could not think how to respond, so the child took the cloth and turned to the dyer's family, held it up and said, “see this cloth you dyed; we will be using it today when we have our lunch, and it is wonderful to be able to picnic on such bright, happy cloth. I am glad that we could get such pretty cloth.” The dyer's family smiled, and thanked the child for their praise.

Love

Love does not exclude
    but nor does it embrace indiscriminately

Love does not compel change
    but it does transform

Love does not condemn
    but it does admonish

Love does not instruct
    but it does educate

Love is not forceful
    but it is powerful

Love will not cure illness
    but it will bring life joy regardless

Love cannot be taught
    but it can be learned

Love cannot be demonstrated
    but it can be experienced

Written February 2017