I don’t have a big, Quaker, theological post for Christmas this year (though I encourage you to look at Christmas posts from previous years). I have no Christmas-related written ministry to offer (at least, at the time of writing, that can always change unexpectedly). This year, I’m offering more of a personal message. Life, me, a year in review… well, we’ll see how it goes.
Recent history first. I went a bit quiet again, didn’t I? I won’t deny that any break is still harder for me to come back from, in terms of my mental health, weird (but apparently not unusual) topic-specific anxiety still holding me back a lot. The reason for the break, or at least a contributor to the length of it, is that I was actually physically ill again. Not my usual exacerbations of my balance problems or viral upper respiratory tract infections, either. No, shortly after my first in-person work since the pandemic started, I developed a chest infection. Bacterial. Possibly pneumonia, apparently, though that not confirmed, and if it was it was pretty mild (turns out there is such a thing as mild pneumonia, though such things are obviously relative). Either that or a pretty bad and tough-to-beat more conventional chest infection. I was laid out pretty badly, high fever, needed two lots of antibiotics to beat it (though the first lot broke the fever), and extremely low energy – mentally as well as physically – for a few weeks. I’m fine, now. My wife got a viral cough around the same time, so I suspect I brought home a viral lower respiratory bug and I got a secondary infection with it – it did take a little while for it to get productive in my case.
In any case, hiccups aside, my mental health is still on an improving trend. Still worse than it had been for quite a while before the exacerbation started last year, but improving. I’m managing to do more out on my own, though still not everything by any means, and I’ve had another day of work in person. My work had decided to have us all go to work in person from the first of December, even if the members of the public we work with were joining us by phone or videoconference, a directive that lasted all of two weeks with the announcement of the British Government’s “Plan B” for England (the devolved administrations of the UK running their own public health interventions for Covid). However, there are still days when we are actually working in person because it needs to be in person, and I have another of those (at least one) in January. Still, no illness from last week’s day in work yet, so I’m not too worried, at least for now.
I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year, and a few weeks ago I started a group “psychosocial intervention”, technically a psychoeducation programme, over internet video a few weeks ago. Just four sessions, now finished, but lots of ideas about ways to approach managing the different ways one’s mind functions, when compared with more typical (or other forms of neurodivergent) thought processes. This has been a journey of discovery, albeit that we were pretty confident that I would get the diagnosis so had been doing some learning and discovery on our own before that. In the near future, I should start a similar course in relation to my bipolar 2 disorder (for the uninitiated, the ‘2’ refers to my experiencing hypomanic episodes, but not full-blown manic episodes, for which I am very grateful).
I’m still a little distanced from my Local Meeting, as my trouble completing voluntary work for the Area Meeting was the main precipitating factor in the mental health crisis (not anyone else’s fault – failing to meet my own expectations, largely), and so while I can get on with Quaker things more broadly, I still have an aversive anxiety reaction to local Friends (at least as an institution; I think I’d be okay with most of them as people). Something still to work on, and I’m still having support from my local Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). When I get my other blog (on health and disability matters, rather than Quaker stuff) working again, I’ll be posting a lot more about my experiences with ADHD, bipolar, anxiety and so on there.
One big benefit from the support from the CMHT was a referral for a social care needs assessment – something we’d been considering for some time, but never seemed to be a priority. My Care Coordinator sorted out the referral, and many months later we’re nearly in a position to hire a PA (personal assistant, but not the sort that fancy executives have), funded by Adult Social Care, to help with some things with which I have particular problems, and that my wife can’t help with, or can’t always help with, or can only help with a bit. This is our preference; we prefer to provide care for one another where we can. I suspect that a lot of people have a similar preference.
I started 2021 in a very bad state. A lot of us did, given what was (and to a large extent still is) happening in the world, but trust me, this went beyond Covid-related stress. I’m still in a bad way, but it’s getting better, and there’s quite a few things to be glad of, heading into Christmas and the end of the year. Various matters I won’t get into have also made us a little more financially secure – but contributions via Patreon of Ko-Fi are still very much appreciated.
Christmas will be quiet at home, for me and my wife. We’ve laid in our supplies, bought the Radio Times (we only buy it at Christmas), gone through it for things to watch and record. We shall have a modest (relatively speaking) Christmas dinner, with traditional elements that each of us associate with Christmas from our respective youths. And snacks and sweets on the same basis, too. In the run-up to Christmas, I have gone on a bit of a laundry binge (and no, I don’t really know why), and after Christmas we know some things we are going to buy to continue making our lives easier. More problems will come up, of course, and we will deal with them – with help, if needed.
I don’t think I’m starting 2022 anywhere near being “back to normal” (for me), but there are some ways in which I am stronger than a year ago. Some of the strategies we have put in place are allowing me to be more productive, and have more control over my life – though I wouldn’t be able to keep up with them without my wife being on board with them and helping me (or indeed badgering me, in the most loving way possible, into keeping up with them). I hope that it won’t be long before I resolve, one way or another, the actual precipitating matters that started the whole avalanche of my mental health, but I know that when I do so it won’t mean that I’m ‘better’. I expect I’ll still have a raised level of anxiety for a while to come, generally and in particular in certain areas. I will learn to live with that, to cope with it, to carry on despite it; it will get better, as well, with time.
So, that is recent news and a bit of a review of my year. My message to you for Christmas – that we can, with luck, support, and work, overcome many sorts of adversity. We all face adversity, great and small, from time to time, and it’s important to remember that we can overcome it. It is also important to remember that we may need support to do it, and to be willing to reach out for that support.
I wish you all a joyous festive season, whatever festivals you may or may not celebrate, in this darkest time of the year as we look forward to the return of the light. If only it started getting warmer again at the same time…
Did you enjoy this post, or find it interesting, informative or stimulating? Do you want to keep seeing more of these posts? Please consider contributing to my Patreon or ‘buying me a coffee’ on Ko-Fi. More information is available in the post announcing my use of Patreon.
