I'm Back (I Hope)

Well, this is awkward.

I always knew, with this blog, that I wouldn’t keep up a consistent pace of posts – there would be times when there were many, and there would be breaks.

Then things happened, starting in 2019. I moved home, which obviously is a lot of effort and leaves one with less free time for a while. Then there was Covid. Then I had a mental health crisis – regarding which I have previously posted. Then I got back in the game a bit, albeit slowly. Then it all fell apart again.

For those who have supported me in the endeavour that is this blog, I want to say sorry. Indeed, for any who found my posts interesting or helpful and have missed them, to them also, I apologise. For everyone, I’m going to try and explain.

First though, I want to say that I’m really aiming to get back into this and post regularly again. Maybe not at the pace I was going before 2019, but without long gaps (partly because a long gap makes it harder to get back into it afterwards, as I’ll explain below). I still have a lot to say, a lot of things to explore – the blog didn’t dry up because ideas dried up. I even have a couple of posts ready to go and some that were in-progress when my ability to deal with the blog dried up.

A Christmas Message (2021)

I don’t have a big, Quaker, theological post for Christmas this year (though I encourage you to look at Christmas posts from previous years). I have no Christmas-related written ministry to offer (at least, at the time of writing, that can always change unexpectedly). This year, I’m offering more of a personal message. Life, me, a year in review… well, we’ll see how it goes.

Recent history first. I went a bit quiet again, didn’t I? I won’t deny that any break is still harder for me to come back from, in terms of my mental health, weird (but apparently not unusual) topic-specific anxiety still holding me back a lot. The reason for the break, or at least a contributor to the length of it, is that I was actually physically ill again. Not my usual exacerbations of my balance problems or viral upper respiratory tract infections, either. No, shortly after my first in-person work since the pandemic started, I developed a chest infection. Bacterial. Possibly pneumonia, apparently, though that not confirmed, and if it was it was pretty mild (turns out there is such a thing as mild pneumonia, though such things are obviously relative). Either that or a pretty bad and tough-to-beat more conventional chest infection. I was laid out pretty badly, high fever, needed two lots of antibiotics to beat it (though the first lot broke the fever), and extremely low energy – mentally as well as physically – for a few weeks. I’m fine, now. My wife got a viral cough around the same time, so I suspect I brought home a viral lower respiratory bug and I got a secondary infection with it – it did take a little while for it to get productive in my case.

It's Been a While

I’ve been away from this blog for a while. I thought it might be appropriate to talk a bit about why. An exploration and reflection on the past 9 months or so. I also want to thank those who have continued to support my Patreon despite the lack of output for so long; this might be a matter of not noticing, forgetting they had supported it, but it might also be a deliberate decision to continue to support me in this small but very tangible way in spite of my output. For that I am profoundly grateful.

I did post some written ministry recently, but if you read the note at the bottom on when it was written, you will see that it was written as far back as June 2020. I was not completely dysfunctional by then, but was already struggling.

Covid, Mental Health, Relgion and Spiritual Communities

The public health issues gripping the world have been hard on a lot of people – indeed, I would be surprised to find anyone who hadn’t experienced some sort of negative impact from the changes that Covid-19 has worked upon our lives. I’m sure, here in the UK, we’ve all heard from friends and relatives finding themselves homeschooling their kids with very little notice and usually equally sparse support. I expect more than a few of my readers have been in that position themselves, not just heard about it at one remove. People who have lost their job or had hours cut have obvious stress. People who thrive on social contact will have struggled with the limited ability to see other people. People who have had to restrict contact even more because of being at high risk, such as the UK’s ‘shielding’ category, will have had extra stress just getting essentials, and those who already relied on shopping deliveries have had to cope with slots being much harder to come by.

Those are the obvious sources of stress, of things that can affect people’s mental health. And those are just the tip of the iceberg.

The Fire Inside

There's a fire inside me.

It burns to make the world better. It burns to help those I care about, and to help those I do not know.

It burns to drive me forward. It burns to sustain me in adversity. It burns to tell me I'm still alive.

Though I am assailed and dismissed, the fire burns.

Though I am unfairly accused, the fire burns.

Though I am misrepresented, the fire burns.

Though some seek to obstruct me, the fire burns.

Though I may be unnoticed, the fire burns.

Though I fail or fall, the fire burns.

Adversity and Simple Joys

As I write, I look forward to a time of great joy – my upcoming marriage. It's not without stress, true, what with the planning and organising, and wringing RSVPs (or even acknowledgements) out of people, but it's a good kind of stress.

But I also look to a time of great difficulty, for reasons I won't go into here. I don't know what the outcome will be, but things are going to get very, very difficult before we reach there.

It's times like this that I am reminded of the need to take advantage of the simple joys. Of fellowship, of companionship, of conversation, of love. Of the satisfaction of a task done well, however insignificant it might seem. Perhaps, holding on to these things, I will get through it. I don't know how else I might.

Written February 2018

Outward vs Inward Silence

We can find the inward silence even at times of bustle and busyness.

Silence is a major feature of Quaker tradition; it features in the practice of all variations of Quaker practice, though most noticeably in unprogrammed Meetings. But what is this silence, as part of the Quaker way? Is it limited to the lack of noise, and a certain stillness, or does it go deeper than that? In this post, I shall try to explore this matter, and look at the difference between outward and inward silence.

I've previously published written ministry that touches on this, a short piece entitled Outward Silence, Inward Silence. It's very direct, with the general point that outward silence, while traditional and useful, is largely a tool to help us find inward silence. In this post, I will be exploring this idea in more detail, with practical examples and advice.

A Christmas Prayer

My mind is drawn, today, to those who face particular difficulties at this time of year.

I think of those who are impoverished, struggling to meet the cultural expectations of how one is supposed to “do Christmas”.

I think of those who are bereaved, and going through Christmas without a loved one.

I think of those of fragile mental health, or who are physically limited, coping with the social expectations that go with this season.

I hold all these people in the Light, and hope that they may know comfort from the Spirit, however they understand it.

Written December 2017